iFAQ

Yes, infrequently asked questions. I have had some form of internet presence now for a year and a half or so, and here are some of the more interesting questions from all my creative time wasting pursuits. These are actual questions I have received in relation to my sites. Obviously, a couple of these questions are not from this site. Some are kind of dumb, and therefore funny:


do you totally hate_____?

Probably not anymore than I hate anyone who isn't a hot marine biologist or writer. A hot poetress marine biologist. With a Sratocaster, wait, Thinline Telecaster. Hmmm. What was the question?

So, how do I start my truck with a screwdriver?

First of all, this is either referred to as jumping or gap-starting. Make sure the truck is not in gear. Make sure the truck is not in gear. Finally, make sure the truck IS NOT IN GEAR.

Next, take a wire and jam it into the positive battery terminal so that it will stay put and run that wire to the positive post of your coil, you can find your coil by following the center wire from your distributor to its source. Be careful not to make an arc your fingers between the post and your coil's ground. It hurts very bad. Once the connection is solid, find your starter solenoid. If you don't know what that is, you should question whether you need to be doing any of this at all. On one side of your solenoid will be your positive battery cable, on the other your starter cable. Arc those two. I use a crescent wrench and a screwdriver. The motor will start.

This is good to know how to do in case your ignition system takes a shit on you. That means your stranded and being stranded is for pussies.

Are you drunk all the time?

Um, no. Believe it or not, I hold down a job and function almost normally, most of the time.

UR hot, R U going to Whiskey River this weekend?

Yeah, make sure you wait around for me. You sound super cool.

You gun loving redneck nazi

Right, because the first thing the Nazis didn't do was disarm all their genocide fodder. Right? I mean if you're going to accuse someone of something you have to at least have some semblance of knowledge of the subject, right?

Dude, did you totally fuck (insert random woman's name here)?

It would be pretty ungentlemanly for me to tell you if I did.

What is your myspace page?

I sigh loudly at your insolence. MySpace is a place for friends. Friends have let me pass out on their couch. You have not. If you are hot and female, feel free to persuade me.

dude, george bush is such a fucking tool

He might be. I don't know the guy, but I know he made me spend valuable years of my life killing people I didn't hate. In his defense, he isn't any worse than anyone megalomanic enough to want the Presidency.

America is fucked up, asshole!

Yes.

America totally fucking rocks, asshole!

Yes.

Oregon/Minnesota/Illinois/Utah/California has geology, too, asshole.

Technically, yes. Spiritually, maybe.

Are you looking for vi@gra?

No. I have mineralogy and mountain biking.

Have you considered writing erotica?

Have you ever read my stuff on geology? Shit, I wrote a small entry on tertiary river gravel deposits that caused my hard drive to burst into flames and four women jogging by to get pregnant and give birth to quartzite, gabbro, selenite, and some type of plutonic igneous that can fuel the space shuttle for six years.

It involved the undulating river lapping back and forth over the supple Mancos shale formation, leaving little evidences. Pulsing, writhing through the receptive sand, dendritic fingers of hydrological influence coursing over the burning skin of the valley...

Actually, I probably could write erotica, since the bar is very, very low, and the attraction and interaction of two people follow the same physical laws than awe me in all aspects of the universe. That being said, erotica, for me, is very inspired, individual actions between a man and a woman on a commission basis.

If you are an erotically inspiring woman, feel free to commission me. You must like old trucks.

I'm still hung up on the marine biologist.

RU looking for H0T women in your area!!?

Well, yes. Funny, though, I bet your shitty personals don't list a marine biologist at all, the pinnacle of hot and sexy. I saw this PBS special the other day. Wet suited smart woman who can swim for hours, I mean come on, it isn't even fair. Fuck.