The People Examiner For US!

Lately, I have had to read magazines. No one is forcing me, but on my breaks at work, I have the choice of smoking, court TV or magazines.

You know what? National Geographic, hell yeah. Smithsonian, absolutely. Outside, sure. Men's Health, um...Sort of. There's way too many half dressed guys in that magazine. No, I have a magazine that is either titled "Us", as in a group of you and me, or "US", as in United States. I haven't been able to figure it out, it has nothing to do with either me and you or the country at large. There is a magazine called "People" in which they focus not on the populace, but on a small set of persons to a very obscene extent. A publication by the name of "Examiner" worried me until I found that it did not deal whatsoever with any matters of a gynecological or liturgical nature.

It inspired me. There is so much news out there that I had no idea about. I spent most of a decade outside the loop on day to day American and world gossip that didn't pertain to incendiary devices and mass conflag. That being said, someone went to the trouble to print this crap. It must be important to have made such a huge dent in the ink production of this country and several third world dictatorships, but how many other people are ignorant of all these important events? Surely anyone who avoids the use of smileys. They should not be in the dark, as I was. So, I have a new addition to this site:

The People Examiner for Us

All the real news!

Watch out for the next SoCal non-potable water shortage since it looks like the women of Hollywood have been drinking ho's water for the last couple years I been away. The chick with that one song that used to be popular was seen making out with Jared Leto at some bar or some shit like that. The stupid blonde chick, you know? Married to the Backstreet Boy? She was Daisy Duke in the last piece of rednexploitation. Yeah, she hit it off with the guy. DWTF? He had his paws all over Jennifer Connelly in Requiem for a Dream and he goes for some peroxide bimbo? Standards are lost on this guy. About five years ago I saw his band, 30 Seconds to Mars play in Virginia Beach. They sucked.

Speaking of ignorant backwoods Americans, obesity is blowin' up the spot! A lot of famous people are getting fat. Some moron followed them around long enough to get a picture of them showing some very average bellies in unflattering light, now they are on the cover of magazines. Fame is so fickle! Also A lot of famous people are dangerously thin! Usually the ones who were fat two months ago. If they had LA eating habits in Wisconsin Cows, no one could have any good cheese.

Speaking of melodramatic bovinous creatures with eating disorders, Britney Fucking Spears. DWTF??!! Something went very, very wrong there. A trailer park is rolling over in a tornado right now seeing the way she's been acting. Just like most people from Arkansas, she doesn't realize she has gotten fat! She did an interview with a guy who looked like a reporter and the photo from the session clearly shows bat flaps under her glutinous triceps. One good thing to come from her manteca career was her first single, Hit Me Again and Put Some Stank On It, Bubba Joe. I think that's what it was called anyway. Something about hitting her back when she was sixteen in any case. The song was terrible, but it launched the career of bassist Andy Hess, eventual replacement for Allen Woody of Gov't Mule.

Speaking of people who should procreate:

Angelina Jolie had a freakin' baby! What the hell? I didn't know she was pregnant! The dad is the dude from Fight Club, and apparently, he's been tapping that ass for a while, now. Also, Angelina must be a total skank because she already has four kids and NONE OF THEM LOOK ALIKE! Not a one. Shit, they don't even look like they belong to the same ethnic backgrounds. My advice, keep your legs shut for longer than it takes to pull 'em out of the stirrups at the maternity ward!

Speaking of skanks popping out kids, Tom Cruise knocked up a twelve year old runaway. Her name is Katie something and she must be famous because everyone else knows who the hell she is. I'll meticulously research this for a future update. Stay Tuned!!!

Oh yeah, the singer's name is Jessica Simpson. The chick from The Dukes OF Hazzard married to the gay singer? And holy fuck, she's got a sister! Her sister actually looks a little more sultry, less like a Jack Russell Terrier, and she's the one who fucked up on SNL. Yeah, that girl, the one who forgot how to lip synch, and Jessica are related. Who knew?

Not me, and not you. Until now!

See you next week!

UPDATE!!!

The rest of the world is very happy this week. The US Soccer Team lost the Football World Series. Apparently, there was a group of shepherds from some obscure country in Africa that handed asses to Our Guys. In their defense, they were a soccer team and it was not fair to trick them into a football game. They probably didn't even have the right pads or cleats. The official statement from the US has been, "We have a soccer team? Well, we may have lost a game for skinny guys and wusses, but we were too busy being heavily armed and easy to offend. Keep laughing, Uganda."