Re:

Part of the fun of knowing me is random inebriated emails. Most of the time, I forget what I said until I get the reply. This one made me laugh, so I thought I would share it. This was an email to a friend I've kept around off and on for a few years. She's occasionally cool. Sometimes, I enjoy her company. She sort of means something to me every so often. In a platonic sort of way, of course.

Hi. You whined one time about a lack of emails I send you. I felt terrible and it kept me up for weeks. In fact, only recently have I quit crying.

A pleasantly grouchy woman acosted me today as I was placing heavy things in a high place and said, "So, are you the person...", she put great emphasis on that word, "...who has been working electrical?"

I replied, "Sometimes. I do when Patty doesn't or can't because of her fear of heights. Acrophobia is the dreadest of fears, for just the other day I was pontificating..."

She had none of it. She kicked my ladder and hissed, "Well, that explains it. I find cartons misplaced and displaced every morning, thrown at random into coves and hollers for which they are not designed."

"I find that amazing and amusing, Creature," I said to the hissing, vile menace, "for I, and most of my fellow night workers, have complained on numerous occasion of the disheveled condition which we inherit every day from your fellow day workers. Perhaps the real villian lies outside the coziness of our own Orange camp."

She ripped out a shelving unit with her dripping mandibles. Crushing it for effect, she intoned, "Thus will I do to the workers of the night, evil with laziness who destroy my order!"

I leapt from the ladder to the ground and pulled out Fayre Laurelle, my trusty safety-designed utility knife, from it's enchanted scabbard (latin for scabbard is vagina.) She blew fire from between the seeping nostrils atop her head which I blocked with my enchanted orange apron. I thrust the knife into her loins and with great cry did she begin to melt. I shouted thus:

"Can you not see, foul creature?! Forsooth, our lives are beset by only two truths: that energy is conserved and converted in all systems and that entropy is undeniably present in all systemic procedures! Anon, we fighteth the tides of physics so! Your organisation of your feif will fail, and that miserably, without constant attention from your minions and my people. Why do you insist upon being such a contankeruous bitch? Were it not for the disintegration of all man's puny plans, what job would we have? I shine the light of reason upon you!"

I made the symbol of entropy on her forehead. She immediately turned into Natalie Portman. We rubbed parts and she bore me twin boys who will one day rule the People's Republic of Colorado with justice and mercy. Their names are Jamis the Bold and Ford the Steadfast.

Thus did we live happily ever after.

Bitch.