Fuck October

October is drawing down, at least a little. Everything is still halfway dead, but at least it snowed this morning. I hope this whole fucking place is socked in this winter.

Went down Cortez way this weekend. Besides weddings, I can't think of anything that turns my frown upside down like a good anniversary party. Especially when it's for some ridiculous number like seventy years together. I made it one thirty-fifth of the way as far as my grandparents have. I suck. Then they had to hug on each other and kiss and smile all the time. I didn't punch them, but only because they are old.

I walk down the street, no gloves again, snow finding its way into my collar, and see all the people who are huddled close with someone special against the cold. I don't punch them, but only because my knuckles get real sore in the cold.

My brother wants me over for dinner. It's not that I don't like him or his wife or his kids, but I hate seeing his perfect little happy family. He has four beautiful children and a wife that's worth keeping. They sit around the dinner table and offer thanks for the food. They talk about work and school and my brother teaches them in the ways of the world. After dinner, he goes downstairs and builds a fire while the kids sit and watch. He tells them stories from when we were little. They soak them up and turn us into something we are not, but something good for them to believe in. Last time I was over, the oldest daughter asked me if I had a girlfriend. I chuckled and told her that I didn't. She informed me that her parents would not allow her to have a boy friend stay over at night. I told her that was probably a good thing, as boys and girls do not have sleep-overs. She asked me why I had girls sleep over at my house. I had no idea what she was talking about, of course. Then she described my "friend" who had slept over once, long ago. The tall, blonde girl that smoked. I didn't punch her, but only because I was too sad.

I lost my driver's license, the physical card, not the priviledge of driving. I lose things when I've just got too damn much on my mind. The lady at the liquor store carded me, of course. It makes sense, I shaved my beard off, so she probably thought I was buying the twelver for my eagle scout troop. When I walked out empty handed, I was pretty upset. I didn't punch her, but only because I was too sober for it to seem like a bad idea.

So, if you wonder why this post sucks, it's because I'm sitting here, with snow down my back and knuckles that the cold causes to hurt from a life that was a little rough, dead sober.

Fuck October.

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Update: MP3 Player broke, this is bullshit.